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Saturday, April 23, 2011

I'm Gonna Live!

Hey guys. I am not dying. I'm thrilled, because I thought I was. Apparently, I have anemia which makes me feel like total poop. After the doctor explained how totally screwed up my red blood cells (or lack thereof) were, I thought she was gonna give me a yucky diagnosis like leukemia or something that would make my hair fall out (heaven forbid), so when she said "Anemia" I was like "Awesome." Well, my mom is convinced that I may have a terrible disease like leukemia (as she is an online pseudo medical researcher) and Jacob, who hears bits of conversations, thinks I have bulemia and is totally grossed out by it. Daniel has told his mother that they're draining all the blood out of my body to give me some that's fresh and healthy, so she's totally freaked out. My sister, the nurse, keeps trying to drag my limp body to the hospital because she thinks everyone is understimating the seriousness of my jacked up blood cells and I'm refusing to go. Fortunately, I am a mere lump of flesh and bones and she is too petite to get my dead weight into the car. So, if you happen to be in the greater Surf City area and see a mere shell of a girl laying in the yard, pick me up and throw me in your car so I may get a few moments of peace and quiet at your house. I promise not to fight.
So, the bad news is that I'm likely to get a blood transfusion in the next day or so and that's totally grossing me out, as it could be the blood of a raving lunatic or a Duke fan, whichever is worse I have no idea. The good news is that my brain and my heart and the rest of me have slowly been depleted of oxygen over the past several years and the surgery just finished me off. So, that means that my absent-mindedness and lack of clear and objective thinking has had a physical source. In three months, I'll be totally normal like you guys. YIPPEEEE!

I'd love to send a big thankyou to my GP---Heather Downs at Island Family Medicine in Surf City. She figured me out and actually thinks I could be normal. Imagine that!
Anyway, I'm having a strange craving to tackle a baby deer and eat its liver. Gross, I know, but I would prefer it (almost) over the transfusion.  Now I know how the vampires feel. And werewolves, too, I guess. And, possibly the zombies as they always look a little pale and move way too slow. Thanks for all of your kind words and well wishes. I love you guys dearly and hope you have a blessed Easter and relaxing Spring Break. I am now going to go and take advantage of my incapacitated state with a chair in the sun and a David Sedaris book!

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