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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Centaurs--the Other Mythological Creature

So, riddle me this. What's so great about vampires? Everywhere you look, there goes another vampire signing a movie deal. And, what a large groupie following they have. Fan clubs galore, with women exposing their large jugulars left and right. I don't get it. Vampires are way too pale and must have the breath of Methusela with all of the blood drinking and their being dead for like a jillion years and whatnot. I've never seen a vampire brush his teeth. Have you?

And, hopping on the old gravytrain are the werewolves. But, I can sort of get the whole werewolf attraction, what with the body hair and those muscular hind legs and that bushy tail. But, I'm afraid to imagine what their feet must look like. I mean, if they're hopping from treetop to treetop in mist covered forests they must have some form of fungal infection on their paw pads. Plus, werewolves don't wear tennis shoes. What about all the forest poo out there?

So, in a nutshell, I think that the vampires and werewolves need to stand back and let the unicorns and centaurs have a chance at some press. Zombies, you've had your 15 minutes, so zip it.

Unicorns are just plain fancy, what with the glittery manes and fluffy tail and all. Plus, that singular banded horn radiating from their foreheads really sends a message. It screams, "Look at the horn. I don't need two horns to carry off my look...unlike the caribou and elk. I only need my unihorn. I can move mountains."

Which leads me to centaurs. Never have I seen a centaur snag a leading role in a movie or get a book deal. They seem to be nice enough---well-mannered and attractive considering they only have half a human body. Not quite sure how they wipe with the hooves and all. Not thinking about it, though. I'd probably go out with a centaur if I had the chance. I really would. My sister-in-law, Kiyomi, and I recently had a conversation about the virtues of centaurs and unicorns, but she's sticking with the vamps and werefolk. She finds the mystery of the aformentioned creatures of the night most appealing. How do you know, for instance, that the person sitting next to you is really not a vampire or werewolf? You just don't. If you were with a centaur or unicorn, it would be a dead giveaway. Your unicorn peeps would have, for example, a very tall hat and, well, the hooves...it would be nearly impossible to find a pair of shoes that fit.

Cyclopses? Can you say, "Ewwww?" That one eyeball in the forehead just throws off the symmetry.

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