Advice for a Successful Marriage

Rules to Live By for a Successful Marriage

Actual Events from the Life of Gina Hill

1. If you leave your clothes on the line for more than a week, check your underwear for spiders. Ouch.
2. Rule #1 also applies to bees.
3. Cats are flammable.  Enough said.
4. Hairspray is also flammable.  If you accidentally catch yourself on fire, stop, drop and roll.
5. If your husband “accidentally” catches you on fire, stop, drop and roll.
6. Okay, suppose you are so proud of yourself for baking cookies that you immediately place the hot pan on your husband’s bare chest before letting it cool.  Don’t worry.  The scars will usually fade after a year.
7. If you leave the propane on for more than a minute, just get your husband to light the grill.
8. Keep a bottle of aloe in the refrigerator at ALL times.
9. Your husband may think it’s cute to place your “feminine” products in his nose and pretend like he’s a walrus.  It’s not.
10. Don’t thump your husband’s privates.
11. Hide the credit card bill.
12. Don’t pass gas in front of your spouse.  If you must, make sure there is a cat or a small child close by that you can blame.
13. Milk pregnancy.
14. Do not iron in the nude if you are more than six months pregnant.
15. Don’t pluck your eyebrows when you’re bored, especially if you have a tan.
16. Don’t highlight your own hair.
17. Acts of revenge are silly and immature.  But, they feel great.  Writing mean messages in your husband’s underwear in black permanent marker and hanging them throughout the house is a good starting point.  Painting your husband’s toenails with a paint pen while he’s sleeping is lots of fun, too.  You may also want to change his cell phone banner to read “No Service” or “I like men.”
18. Suppose you’re stuck in the snow and your husband is pushing you out from behind.  When he says, “Okay, floor it,” make sure the car is NOT in reverse. 
19. Peel the price tag off of your salon purchased hair products.  He really doesn’t need to know.
20. Fight fair.  Play nice.
21. Remember that you are always right.  Maybe that’s not the best advice, but it works for me.