Follow by Email

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My Random Facebook Musings

Happy Cinco de Mayo...
Senor un taquito dora exploria en margarita su vaca escuala ti gato y cervesa grande por doritos y fajita casa hermosa y chihuahua a biblioteca.Mi llamo diego por fiestada la unicornio y werwolfio del torro blanco vampirio sharpio fangio dos ejecutar.Finale, tres cyclopsio en quesadilla tequilla negra medela hola amiga is pegasusio.Corona ti vodkaio por Danielio is un buttholio en maize y salsalito y Julio Eglesia.

Happy Mother's Day...
Some of you may remember my cat Bunny, the one who resembled Mike Kckshefd@# (Duke's basketball coach).She was a ball of hormones and hotness and, every few months, baby kitties would randomly tumble from her uterus when she walked across the yard. When seeking nutrition, she'd stumble to her bowl of Tender Vittles with a look of resignation,dragging kittens from her teets.I can completely relate.Happy Mother's Day.

So Great to Be Loved...
Jacob's grumbling. I say, "Jacob, it could be worse. Mom could've had her leg bitten off by a horse or a Gila monster (it could happen...I saw some in Myrtle Beach). Then we'd NEVER get to go on a quality vacation. When Mom gets some stranger's red blood cells slowly injected into her lifeless body, she'll be as happy as a clam on steroids." He's not buyin'..

Can YOU Feel the Love...
Daniel : "If you're that sick and we go to Virginia, it'll ruin our whole vacation if you end up in the hospital."
Jacob: "Thanks a lot, mom."
Gina: (curled in fetal position) "I'll try to breathe more shallow to conserve the tidbits of oxygen coursing through my collapsed veins."


Drathers...
Would rather have a raging infestation of intestinal parasites while being stabbed in my left eye with a fork while being trampled by a herd of stampeding elk in the middle of the Sahara desert while wearing a wool coat filled with angry fire ants.

Game Time...
Tonight's acronym is brought to you by Beer on Tap--the shampoo you'd love to drink, but can't. And by Prell...makers of the dumbest commercials known to man. So without further ado, here is your acronym:
DIASM
Caller number 5 will receive 2 all expense paid tickets to the Bay City Rollers Reunion Tour (as if that will ever happen).


False Advertising...
OMG...I'm so mad. You know those flex trashbags? The white ones? The ones that rhinoceroses can't even penetrate? They show the rhinoceros horn being held back in the commercial. Uh uh. It's a big lie. They tear. Easily. And, what if I wanted to use one when I bullfight (it could happen). I would have been killed.

Sphincters...
Sunshine, spray on tan and the best homemade store bought chicken make for a good day. Brandon Williams and Daniel refused to share their oysters, so they can just cram it. You heard me. CRAM YOUR OYSTERS BOYS. I have Food Lion chicken and pork rinds, so there.

My Amygdala...
My amygdala is so easily stimulated. Thank goodness my frontal lobe is so well developed or else I'd be dotting eyes everywhere. The frontal lobe is one of the last areas of the brain to develop which explains the sometimes irrational behavior of teens and young adults.It's the emotional control center. Impusivity is fueled by "fight or flight."

Oh the Sacrifice...
Funny.Daniel gets irritated when I pull out large sums of money for shopping. Here's what he doesn't get.The sacrifice.Does he have to wake in the middle of the night to fight the crowds, the angry shoppers who are running on caffeine and a prayer, the flourescent lights which show every imperfection?While he's snuggled in bed, it is me who is fighting tooth and nail to save money for our family. I'm...so...cold.

Androgeny...
For the love of all that is good, please help me. Is Peppermint Patty a girl or a boy?? I need closure.

Angels Don't Poot...
Apparently, my husband thinks it's funny to pretend that he's me while on Facebook. I'm just happy that he spelled pooted correctly. That's a big improvement. Ahhh his sophistication and maturity astound me. He's is grand trouble.

Huh?...
Did you know that people fought in the Silver War to get the Constipation and then the radiation from all the bombs caused an iguana in Japan to turn into Godzilla? Happy Constitution Day. Gotta love second grade.

Random Fantasy...
Is it wrong that I find John Redcorn attractive????

Doin' It 70's Style...Ah yea...
The new Prell commercial bothers me.I get trying to revive a product from 1975, but it's cheesy.If you're gonna' revive a shampoo from the 70s,why not Beer on Tap?I used to feel bad,yet so alive,when I used it as a seven-year-old.What would happen if I accidentally drank it or inhaled the foam?I used to sit in the tub with my "Beer on Tap" shampoo foaming atop my head whilst smoking candy cigarettes. Oh the shame.

Confused Yet?..........
Lindsay's real, real, real name is Lindsay. Her real, real name is Brittany. Her real name is Lissa. Lissa just gave birth to Sara in the hospital in her room. The father is Andy (the dog). I've been babysitting this afternoon. Jacob thinks it's all a little twisted and won't help with the afternoon feedings.

Damn Pommuses...
Jacob's been in basketballball camp all week at UNC-W, so I'm zonked. Starting to get my second wind. We had a stray pommus walk into our back yard and he eye-balled me. He was hurt, rabid (not likely as their body temps are too low), or snake bitten and had to be put out of his misery. Made me sad, but he was in really bad shape.Yes, I said "pommus." That's what Lindsay calls those long-tailed, nocturnal marsupials.

Damn Gangstas'...
Uncle Ed likes my gang graffiti idea.I told him I'd need a badge,a gun,a blue light for my car, and the legal right to drive fast (Christina P. can help there).And clown make-up so I can go incognito.Plus, deputy uniforms for my friends so they can look official (but you guys only get water guns....sorry). We'll need a lookout to cover Paula R. and a first-aid kit just in case.Who's in?Wimps and boys need not apply.

I'm So Loved...
Anyway, I fell asleep on a raft at the lake and floated quite a ways down from our campsites. When I awoke an hour later, there were intestines (looked human) wrapped around my arm and two men were staring at me, waving from the bank. Disoriented and hearing the theme song from "Deliverance" in the background, I paddled as fast as I could back from whence I came.So, twenty minutes later I found my peeps. I asked if I had been missed and everyone said they were asking where I went. That's as far as they got in their pursuit of my whereabouts.Carrie pointed in the opposite direction when Daniel asked where I was. So good to be loved. I suppose I should count my lucky stars that the men didn't make jerky out of me. Hmmm....Gina Jerky...bet it would be super sweet.

Wood Substrate?....
Tired. All day in Wilmington till Thurs. and bible school for Lindsay at Harris Creek at night. By the way, what is wood substrate? "The Man" is trying to pull the wool over us my consumer friends. Is that supposed to sound better than compressed wood or particle board? Isn't that like calling Joran Vandersloot (sp?) a misunderstood young man who's been framed? If it's a shoe, call it a shoe!

Hair Algebra...
chi + teething puppy - chi - $ - good decision-making = hot tools iron + bad hair + birthday money + new chi = good hair.

Hmmm...
It's so weird. I still can't find my camera. I had it in my purse the other day when Lindsay and I went shopping. Hmmmmm.


Portable Fish...
Totally new invention: portable fish. Take them everywhere you go. Here's how Lindsay did it. She put her Japanese Fighting Fish (thank goodness he's a fighter) and placed him in a spray bottle full of water. How she got Weinie in there I'll never know, because I had a heck of a time getting him out.

Raised By Wolves...
My cookies aren't burnt, they're blackened. After giving Jacob the "hungry children of the world you'd better be thankful because some kids have to run around naked walked uphill in snow to school both ways" speech, he says to me, "Thanks for making the cookies I can't eat." Does that count as a compliment?

Bless His Heart...
Pediatrician: "We're going to go ahead and test Jacob for mono."
Jacob: "What the heck? Mom, I HAVE NOT been messing with bat poop."
Gina: "Jacob, man, that's guano."
Jacob: "Oh."


RuhRoh...
Interesting. I walk into Lindsay's room and noticed a large earthworm "bathing" in the bathtub (which was full of water) in Lindsay's Barbie house. According to Lindsay, his name is Inchy and she's going to keep him forever. He did look quite content and has his own bedroom, elevator, and crib. He does have to share the bathroom with one of her Littlest Petshop critters. Picture forthcoming.

Thanks Boat Fairy...
You guys aren't going to believe this, but these boat accessories keep showing up on my front porch. It's like magic...almost like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy. Wait, it's the boat fairy. Boat fairy, if you're out there, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Because boat accessories are really expensive and Daniel wouldn't be able to get them if it wasn't for you. Boat fairy, you're the BEST!

Hmmm....
I wonder where my camera could be. Hmmmm, who could have had it last????



Andy, was it you??

No comments:

Post a Comment